"Second chance of selfishness" motivational short story

Second chance of selfishness

When did you start loving your partner the most? After the first kiss? After you made love the first time? I started loving her furiously after 20 days of breakup when I saw myself in the mirror. She was able to bear the monster. If I could hurt myself so much, how much would I have harmed her with my words? If I could think of killing myself how much damage would I have caused to her heart? I saw everything that I locked in the darkest corners of my head breaking out, the overflow of memories. Even when turning into this self-harming version it was her voice notes that calmed me. The realization that what she meant to me, how committed and honest she was, what an amazing human being she was. She made me love her so intensely with every passing day even though I would never be able to hold her in my hands anymore. This is not a breakup story, this is a testimonial and guide to people who are in love. Because there are no second chances in love, unlike popular movies. People never understand how important mental health is unless they find themselves in a spiral of inner pain, emotional tornados, and voices within their heads screaming. Like the majority of men, I too did not realize that I had spent my childhood staring at traumatic experiences. I never realized that those experiences will cause you to destroy yourself too. After going through lots of therapies and meds I learned that your childhood experiences make you into what you are. But don’t run away blaming your past, accept the mistakes, accept the damage you did. Help yourself not to lock up your emotions and past but to free them by perfecting your present so that the past won’t cage your future anymore. In her absence I did not know how to live anymore, because it was her who taught me to live, she rescued me from myself. She taught me to love, respect, and admire the people and the good things around me. She introduced me to a world of books and anime that I was too scared to try. She brought out the artist in me, she made me human again. Life is throwing humongous hurdles at me. I have to move back to the same city that almost destroyed my entire childhood, the same people who looked at me like an option. My older pet dog is getting sick, age is taking its toll on him. Someone, I considered the perfect husband, father and grandfather passed away. The depression deprived me of my happiness. Above everything, I have to learn to live without her by my side anymore. The pet dog was the greatest friend I ever had. He was brought as a replacement to the first dog I had which was kidnapped and killed probably by the monsters that lived around me. For a kid losing his dog meant losing his best friend. But he was no more a replacement, he was always there wagging his tail when I hid behind my house and cried because of the things that happened in the house. When people who are supposed to protect you start emotionally abusing you, you will just be in limbo unable to understand human emotions which will cause permanent damage in the feeble mind of a child. He would lick my hands as if he was telling me things would get better. He would touch me with his tiny legs and wet nose to tell me he is there for me always. Now that we are both older, he probably very old for a dog still sits beside me to remind me of the amazing days we had together. His puppy eyes always said things will get better. Things did get better, a lot better after she brought happiness that I had never tasted before into my life. Walking around holding hands at our favorite book store, the glow in her eyes when she was around things she loved which were me, books, and stationery. First shy kiss at the beach, celebrating birthdays together, staying together, watching movies together, having our favorite food together. A ton of memories for a lifetime, that’s what she gave me. What did I give her? Abuses, hate, and being a toxic partner. People laughed at me when I said I hallucinated. But they don’t know the immense pleasure it gave me when I heard her voice again, I felt her lips on my cheeks again. Even though it lasted hardly a minute I was in seventh heaven once again. But trust me the pain that comes when you realize that wasn’t real is too much for any meds to block. I have debarred myself from contacting her again, at least for now. Not because I don’t love her, because I won’t be able to hold my tears. But I have to become the best version of myself to meet her once again before this darkness engulfs me. I still hold onto the journal she gave me, the small sanitizer bottle, a tissue packet, and the perfume she gave. I keep them around me as the most prized possessions I have. Then there are the books she gave me. Read them so many times already and even now I can’t flick through pages without breaking down. But why am I telling you these? You won’t realize the worth and value of things and emotions unless you lose people. People who are your life and love, people who would give up their life for you. But then with hate, ego, and arrogance, you push them so far that they don’t want to return. Your adamant political opinions, your hate for people are nothing but mere stupidity when evaluated with beautiful people who live for you. I had such prejudiced opinions, I had extreme political ideologies and what did they give me? Life is short! Make it beautiful with beautiful people. Your pride will never get you anywhere, nor will your worthless politics. Live to love, understand your partner, love your partner, at least try out things for them and they will do it for you too. Do you want to spend regretting that you didn’t try out your partner wanted and now it’s too late? Second chances don’t pop up, utilize your existing life to the fullest. Even as an adult I read Harry Potter which I always refused to read even though she loved it. These memories are the only thing I have now. I learned to make her favourite dishes now, but she is not here anymore to taste them. Our favourite movies, our favourite places, our favourite bookstore. These are the things that still give me Goosebumps. After therapy, I spend my time revisiting any of the above-mentioned because I find my peace of mind and happiness over there. Sometimes I hallucinate her holding my hands and giggling like she used to. Your brain is the most powerful machine that will ever exist and even when painful the tricks it pulls out of the sleeves are pretty amazing. I still pick up tomatoes from dishes because she never liked them, I used to eat them and she always considered that romantic. I threw away the political pages I had created, I let go of my stubborn hateful opinions and I found life was much simpler now. And if I had done that earlier I could have eaten pizzas with her, picking the tomato slices so that she could enjoy her size of pizza to the core. The glow in her eyes after that would vaporize any hate left in me. Remember you won’t know whether your partner was just a fling or your soulmate unless it’s too late. Either you realize it when you feel safe in the warmth of their presence or you realize it when they no longer want to be with you. Always give your best effort, your passion, time, and trust to the person who is trying to make you happy because you don’t know how important the other person is to you unless it’s too late. I knew she was my soulmate when she kissed me at the roadside against the social norms of the public showcase of affection when she realized what I had gone through in my past. But I failed to take mental health as my priority, I failed to drive away from the darkness in me when she tried her best to help me. I held onto my ego, pride, past, hate, and my stupid political ideologies refusing to open up to her. I could have had the perfect woman as my wife and I destroyed her heart and then destroyed myself. She tried her best to help me and in her absence, I picked up habits that are extremely addictive. Love is crazy, I never loved her so much while we were together, and I never expressed my love for her. Now I love her a gazillion times more than I used to, but she is no longer for me to express it. Second chances don’t exist, make the best out of what you have now. Accept your mistakes, give up your ego, take out the hateful opinions, and love with all your heart. Years back we bonded over the movie ‘96’, and now I spend every day like the lead character ‘Ram’ from it hoping and praying 3 times a day to be able to meet her again. I searched for the qualities she had in everyone I met, but she was always irreplaceable. It didn’t take me much to realize I will have to live my life without her in it from now, but that also meant I could never have someone else to fill her shoes. After all, she was magical. You may or may not find the love of your life after breakups. But listen to your heart, it can say a lot of things that you never bothered to listen to before. Love the person with you, believing that is your soulmate. You might have thousands of conflicts but your heart will tell you how to resolve them. Mine did, I never listened to it. Because I was taught that for a man to cry was ridiculous, I was always forced to ‘man up'. But at what cost, I lost the love of my life because I thought it was not manly to hold her hands, kiss her forehead and tell her how I felt. I was taught that my stubborn ideology should never be changed, not even diluted for a happy future. “Selfishness must always be forgiven you know because there is no hope of a cure.”-Jane Austin. I just wish she could forgive me now, I spend hours admiring a painting of ours that I had got done. At least in the painting, we are together. I am in complete darkness unable to contact her anymore. But still, she will always be my ‘Janu’ and me her ‘Ram’. Watching ‘96’ so many times last few weeks has rewired my brain. There are no second chances in selfishness. They may forgive you, but what you lost is never going to come back. You can either spend your life like me lamenting about the things I never did waiting for a miracle that even I know will not happen or you can resolve your mistakes, give up your pride and spend your time for your love. Real happiness comes from the smile of people you love. Respect it, admire it and live for it. The choice is yours, either live like me finding happiness in the memories waiting for a miracle, or live making memories loving and caring for your partner because second chances are only available in movies, and in real life, it’s just selfishness. To my pommi, I apologize for not detoxing the toxicity in me and destroying the love we had for each other. I will live this lifetime committed to you because you are simply irreplaceable and beautiful. I not only lost my soulmate but also my best friend, a person who protected me like my mother and cared for me like my sister. To my mom, I apologize for becoming the same thing you didn’t want your son to be. To my dog, I apologize for being a human with complex unexplainable emotions. To myself, I apologize for not going for therapy when she asked me a thousand times to do so. I could have saved myself from this darkness if I had just listened to her.

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